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Saturday, September 2nd, 2017
10:59 am - Here's a list
I'm considering how my personality has evolved from my past in a new way. Usually I think of my past traumas and, at times, awful upbringing along the lines of "oh.... so that's why I'm fucked up" and use this as ammunition for feeling resentful towards who I see as failed care givers or compatriots, and even clinging to my problems ("the world made my like this..." or "my traumas make me a more interesting person than normal people"). I want to start moving beyond that and thinking about how these traumas make me act negatively. I want to stop seeing myself as beyond criticism. And I think to do that I have to do what I can't really do effectively... that despite my awful upbringing, I must accept that I am responsible for my actions now.

*long,unbridled sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*


1) If someone shows me unconditional attachment, (outside of some exceptions where I have a family like bond with the person), I push the person away via condescension, over criticism and just general lack of respect (where I do the opposite with people who are more detached/ambivalent to me). I think I'm replicating how my dad and older sister treated me as a kid... what's worse is I enjoy these kinds of friendships because it makes me feel powerful and competent ("I can clearly see your flaws and spell them out for you so articulately...") when again I put many people unnecessarily on a pedestal for reasons unrelated to their actual character or for any kind of earned respect, but because I somehow feel lesser than them. And much like my father, I see myself as doing these friends a favour in a tough love, I'm telling it like it is way.... when really this has more to do with making me feel better than the other person.

I need to be less hard on my allies. It's like I see people who like me as broken in some way. Or humoring me. So I guess I need to be less hard on myself first to validate the real, useful approval of others.

2) If I'm in an environment where I don't feel like people 100% approve of me, I withdraw. I become defensive, uncharming and sweaty. And this can come from completely innocuous actions or statements (Recently, a friend who I hadn't seen in a long time and was probably just looking for something positive to say said "I like you Matt, I always have a lot of time for you" and for some reason, and even now, these words horrify me). Again I believe this relates to the period I spent living with my father and older sister, where the unchecked criticism and lack of respect ran freely (usually via passive aggressive implications or side comments aimed at me, but not to me), and my only defenses were withdrawing into myself or the occasional explosions of suppressed anger (which also only invited further criticism). The lack of trust I felt there has somehow infested the rest of my life, where I only feel comfortable among the most encouraging and charitable of people. I think that makes me demanding company. Lavish me with approval and validation or I will emotionally crumble infront of you!

I need to feel fine with myself. Not enamored with myself (which has been a half working coping mechanism for a while - which works so far with some people but I know some can see through it easily). Just ok with myself. I'm fine. Great at somethings, shit at others. No more or less reprehensible than the average person. Don't read into everything people say or every gesture as a solid, gospel judgement of what you are at that moment. They gaffe as much as you. Better to give the benefit of the doubt on that front than to always jump to the worst conclusion.

3) It's rare that I don't feel afraid. General anxiety is a thing and it was useful to admit to myself that I have what a doctor might call "generalised anxiety". But I don't want to just stick a lable on it and accept that's part of me anymore (at least not as whole sale as I have done... thinking I'm Woody Allen or something... i'm neither as talented or perverted as that dude). I think this is rooted in my ubringing which from a young age was chaotic and unsettled, from the age of 6 when my alcoholic father and schizophrenic mother divorced and kept few of their problems and fueds behind closed doors. I saw my father weeping openly and uncontrollably also aged 6 after my mother disappeared to Portsmouth without telling my father, leaving him suicidal (I guess you call that kidnapping?). And even after this drama, my parents relationship was (and remains) utterly hostile. The police would be called semi regularly when my father appeared to take us out for the weekend but my mother refused to let us out of the house. Dad would return us home late over and over again, likely to antagonise my mother further. And even when they were apart, my dad would openly call my mother "mad as a fish" (making it practically a catch phrase around the house) and my mother banned the use of the word "dad" in the house. So basically... I rarely saw anyone dealing with negative parts of life with stoicism or dignity. It was all chaos and anger and it was all shit on all sides. So I think except when things are going fantastically well, I collapse into this feeling of powerlessness. And I think I deal with that in the same way my parents do: with paranoia, substance abuse, and needing to believe I'm in the right all of the time. And I think it's the combination of these three things that feed my anxiety ("how are things going wrong? I'm amazing... it must be that time I said something to that person at work and now no one respects or loves me... god whiskey tastes good").

I want to welcome people into my life.... but even seeing a single, close friend leads to physical symptoms (I have to nervous poop often right before the person appears) and craving for coping mechanisms (I would think nothing of a spliff and a glass of whiskey before people turn up.... because the parties about to start so it's all good right).

I also want to leave my comfort zone, but this often means placing demands on my mental and physical health that prevent me from being successful (on a business trip training others, I basically didn't sleep for a week).

As fun and "deep" as nihilism is, believing everything is chaos and nothing matters doesn't help. Especially as this viewpoint is only fun when things are going well. Right now I'm not sure what to replace this with. Maybe I should seek experiences that refute this (volunteering?).




That's all I've got for now... maybe I'll think of more later.
Poke me (ooooo)
Friday, December 26th, 2014
1:35 pm - Christmas musing
It's been a hard, busy year or many people. As the years roll on, I become more aware of the struggles everyone faces. Gone are the days when I can pretend my suffering is mine and mine alone. It seems with maturity comes the burden of acknowledging the impressive human beings around me do better in spite of these problems, not in the absence of them. I think that means I've taken another baby step to becoming less of an entitled little herbert than I once was.


I pray I can achieve next year what I failed in this - to put paid to the regular drug abuse and not spend vast swathes of my time on/coming off weed. To choose tea in the evenings over alcohol, and to make progress on my projects in the place of arming myself with excuses to stall on them.


Outside of my career, my life is more than fine. I am very fortunate to have a loving supporting network of family and friends. While I don't make a massive amount of money, I get by. I have my own place and I am myself and on the most part I now like that person. With each passing day I become more aware of what is important and what can be let go. More importantly, I can embrace my flaws and acknowledge my strengths. I might be a mumbling, anti social SJW, but I can also be a sweet, loving dude with a gentleness and passivity that I can now embrace (even with the world reminding me often this is not how a 'man' should be).


Just because I'm at odds with the world, does not mean I should completely retreat from it :) That has been what has hit me in the last few months... the darkest moments always came when I felt I could never reconcile my weirdness with standards most people can uphold and conform to around me. And I'd bounce between believing I'm some kind of maverick, to utterly hating myself. I'd even be aware of this bi polar approach, but when the low hit I would just beat myself up for not maintaining the high I was cruising on the week before.


Now I can let a lot of negative stuff wash over me - just an observer to whatever negative acts I see around me, be it by myself or others. Neither ignoring them nor focusing on them. They're just there - along with the good stuff :)


Still a way to go though. My recent Achilles heal has been my parents of late. Neither are maintaining normal lives at the moment, and I grow slightly bitter about the treatment they put me through as a kid, and how they try to re-frame and re-cast themselves today. Anytime my dad tries to take credit for my talents (despite telling me I had none as a teenager), or my mother makes me out to be lazy (having done nothing but watch TV for 25 years) something taught and rotten squirms inside of me. I think for the good of all three of us I need to work these issues :(
Poke me (ooooo)
Tuesday, June 17th, 2014
3:40 pm - 6 weeks
Off it for 6 weeks.

Realising there's more to quitting than just not doing substances.


There's also taking responsibility for the reasons that lead me to feel the way that has lead me to abusing substances.


Poor life choices... to a point, choosing to be a sad sack all the time. Turning away from those that want me to do my best.


Moping... so much moping. Having stopped believing that anything good will happen in the future.


I'm going to get a new job. I'm going to find a way to relate and reach people. To enjoy being with people again. I can so this!!!

current mood: hopeful
Poke me (ooooo)
Sunday, June 8th, 2014
2:35 pm - 4 weeks clean
Sooo

4 weeks off weed. That levels my previous record once more. Everything from here is a daily personal best whooo :)

People are saying I seem happier. I dunno... all I've noticed is that my size 32 jeans don't fit any more :P So beyond having a fatter arse not entirely sure I'm going better.

Except... well a week back a random message popped up on my facebook feed on Friday from a guy who used to play in one of the bigger bands in my town back in the day. Simply read "guitarists, vocalists, keyboardists, practice room hired - come out and jam!". Normally I'd be stoned as a trooper by that point in the evening and would blow everything off and not even consider going.

I even hesitated for a minute with my usual social skills bullshit... but I sucked it up and said fuck it, this is the one thing I've been pining for for fucking ages. I actually get to play in a band again. And I did and had the best damn evening in ages!!! Got another practice booked and I'm rather stoked :)

And it's stuff like this that would be impossible with my old life style...


So sticking with it thus far. Not going to bull shit myself into think I've turned a corner and can take it easy from here... still got to keep keeping on :)

current mood: hopeful
Poke me (ooooo)
Sunday, May 11th, 2014
12:49 pm - Well
Went to the doctor about my mood. Was honest about the weed and alcohol intake - got a bit fat "nope" on that. Told me to curb that and come back to him in a month in a half.

I guess I have to be an adult and just suck it up and make a positive choice for a change.


Just made friends with another raging pothead at work also... seems to be going through the same shit too. This along with the twitter I watch by a struggling raging pot head artist... and it's like wow we're all broken records -_- weed addiction is weird. It doesn't massively, remarkably and explicitly fuck up your life... it just kind of makes every thing less. Which in the long run probably fucks up your life.


Need to try and say no every time now. I always find a way to justify getting some - i'm seeing uni mates and they want some, I'm having session at my place and will obviously need some... but I think also need to accept that going from doing it at practically every social even to never doing it is going to make socialising weird for a while...

Dear possibly stoned Matt in the future - if you're reading this, put the spliff out and flush that junk you prat >:(
Poke me (ooooo)
Wednesday, April 23rd, 2014
8:39 pm - ...
I lost a friend today.


He wanted to move to Brighton with me in two months time. I told him I couldn't do it - I was too fucked up and needed 6 more months to get my shit together.

He just replied "You're fucking 30. I can't do this with any one else. Fine let me know if you want to do this anytime before you're 50".


I get why he's angry. What I don't get is after 4 years of basically being my best friend, he couldn't begin to see if from my point. It's just "you're an old, mal adjusted cunt, good bye".

I assume we're not friends now. He hasn't chatted to me since. I'm kind of tired of being reminded day on day that the way I am is not ok. That the way I am will probably slowly push away everyone that is important to me.


I want to just walk away and say fuck him, I'm a better person. I would've been mad, but given him the benefit of the doubt in his position. But I'm just shocked. I legitly didn't see him reacting like that. I feel like I've broken up with a girl friend :|

So sick of being a fucking adolescent forever...

current mood: blah
Poke me (ooooo)
Sunday, April 13th, 2014
10:58 am - Today
Spent the last 4 days with friends. Glad I went and they are wonderful... but I can't help but I feel there was a massive block in the way of me enjoying myself.

I never felt comfortable, stable, in the moment. I couldn't help but sit self absorbed and worrying.



I keep going out to see people not because I want to go, but because I feel it's a positive choice and would be good for me. And I come away more and more jaded and down on myself...


But shutting out the world doesn't seem like a healthy answer either.


Yeh I put off going to the support group because I felt good for a few days instead. Going to book in with the doctor this week regardless of how I feel.

current mood: crappy
Poke me (ooooo)
Sunday, March 30th, 2014
11:54 am - Today:
I felt:


* So hung over I couldn't speak - ended up on a night out with my dad, my sister and her boyfriend. I drank too much - barely remembered dinner and was ready to pass out at 08:00pm - but got a second wind and survived until 1ish in the morning. Not entirely sure I had a good time - as usual felt uncomfortable and vaguely out of place at every turn. Don't really like being in that state...
* generally felt like a stammering, dull, mumbling pillock


But it wasn't all bad:

* My mum had a lovely time today :)


Going to visit that support group this week - hope all goes well

current mood: blah
Poke me (ooooo)
Thursday, March 27th, 2014
9:17 pm - Today:
I felt:

* invaded by customers. Didn't lose my shit, but the combination of irritation, bitterness and boredom physically drains me.
* outside of everything. People talk around me, I barely speak up. When people do turn to talk to me I feel like they're doing it out of pity. Cannot tell if I've hit the turning point between paranoia and people genuinely worrying about me. This makes me sad.
* a general bitterness towards everyone. Current enemy in my mind are the higher management sat to my left. Irks me that one says hello to everyone on the early shift but me. Likely not personal... but on the otherside she is kind of bitchy. Often shouts about employees across the office and their issues/problems only saying "you know who". I can't respect someone like that. So my hatred isn't utterly unfounded, but as an adult I should probably accept there are people in the world like this and get over it already.


However, it ain't all bad:

* Karen was in tears this morning. I was able to comfort her - her dog had died. She described the dogs passing and I almost cried myself. For a change I found the right thing to say - she said "I'm so glad you were here, and not one of those other assholes". The most genuine compliment I've had in months.
* I read through the twitter of an internet reviewer who regularly uses. He is very candid and honest, and I could see the same self perpetuating thought patterns expressed there - self pity, aimless anger, a general numbness to everything. Makes me glad I didn't smoke tonight.
Poke me (ooooo)
9:04 pm - Well, fuck.
I was wandering home today thinking I'd hit a spliff when I get back. Yeh that'll show those fuckers at work, the misery inducing bull shit of it and all. I'll go over to the field, have a lonely spliff, semi prang out for the evening, and all those films, cartoons and websites that seem diverting at best will have that sweet, half knowingly artificial glow of genuine insight that you crave...

I convinced myself I didn't feel any better sober anyway so why give a fuck right???


Erg....


Funny how addition twists things to bring you around to the same fucking answer every time.


4 weeks sober and I slipped, and I'm back to being (and I think outwardly appearing) unstable again. I'm tired of it. But I always tire of being sober as quickly :/


Going to start documenting my daily thoughts here - that was the green beast can't convince me that I was as miserable off the weed as on.
Poke me (ooooo)
Saturday, May 25th, 2013
5:19 pm - Blerg
Whiny whine... get a life Matt XP



Trying to get my life back on the wheels again. Applying for jobs, exercising, seeing friends here n there :) Keeping it pretty stable if utterly bland at the moment.

Trying to do something vaguely arty and constructive everyday :3 played geetar today, drawing and writing yesterday.


Volunteering for a nature conservation company who maintain the canal. Should be fun times :3 and on the verge of scoring a job at Sports Direct scorrrrree.... :| Tough times job wise at the mo...


Got a girl down in Chichester :3 want to see her more and smoke a bit less... I feel a bit like moaning but really things are ok when I look at it X)

current mood: high
Poke me (ooooo)
Sunday, October 14th, 2012
5:44 pm - Hrrmmmm
This week has been a weird one...



Had my first proper days of work at..work. Yeh work. First day was ok, but at one point I hit this point where the complexity of the case I was handling, and the criticism I was facing from the mentors, and my inability to see what the hell was going on on the system infront of me gave me this weightless, over stimulated, hyper stressed feeling that I hadn't felt since working at London and Country.

This is from when I'm pretty sure I had some form of depression :/ hrrrmm... the day of work after went fine. And I think this is because I screwed my head on right, studied the cases properly and was determined to not let it happen again. But it's definitely left me shaken :/ My nightmare is returning to the mindspace I was in during that job, imagining that my period at uni at exorcised all those demons. Will see how this week goes...


But also this weekend was a total fail socially :/ Didn't feel like going out Friday, all my maybe replies turned to no's on Saturday (cept one mate who is teetotal and pretty sure was only going to come out for a few so I said we'll leave it) and got stood up today by mates in Bath (admittedly they lost their dog so not their fault but eh...) feels like the universe is conspiring against my social life :/ I know everyone has stuff going on and I have my nights too where I can't be fucked but I guess my only choice is to drop my expectation of at least havin the opportunity to go out and have a laugh and a few beers at some point each weekend. Even going to my dad's is off the cards at the moment because I'm not getting on with my sisters boyfriend (who would never pass up the opportunity to scab off my dad for booze and food :/ god I really hate him).


Kind of sucks... hard week, and no real release this weekend -_- I'm not good at doing nothing and that's all I've had to do this weekend.




WHOOO ANGST. You really 28 Matt? Fuck it I'll bounce back and working something out. Maybe need a few more friends to take the pressure off the ones I rely on at the mo. Looking at the Trowbridge book club (:P) and will try to badger people at work down the pub maybe (difficult when I'm driving though). I love my mother and owe her so much but when she's my only social outlet all week it's faaacking maddening. It would help if I could move out and house share with peeps but that isn't happening until I get a permanent job :/ Which reminds me I'm going to be unemployed at the end of December most likely agaaaain yay.



This hasn't been the best month :/
Poke me (ooooo)
Tuesday, June 5th, 2012
11:58 pm - :)
"Yeh she's eight but she loves Walking Dead, Super Natural and Lord of the Rings"

"I can tell your kid is going to be cool"


:)
Poke me (ooooo)
Wednesday, December 28th, 2011
9:05 am - well then
Been a mixed bag this year.


My currently mopey slightly depressed side wants to claim it was a bad year... but in honesty I've spent as much of it in euphoric optimisism as I have sad resign. I shouldn't let how things have kind of worked out colour the rest of the year. It's been one of personal growth, determined frenzy and mistakes, though they lead to learning some important lessons.


So new years resolutions:


1) be a bit nicer to Alex
2) Try to find a middle ground between killing yourself with literature and doing nothing for the course
3) Find something new that makes you happy

Yeh I think that'll do :)


And a list that will keep me out of trouble:

1) She ain't that pretty :P
2) She's really cruel
3) She's actually really annoying.

current mood: hopeful
3 People who poked me ][Poke me (ooooo)
Sunday, November 6th, 2011
12:20 pm
And today I already feel like shite again :/ Why do my thoughts on all this change by the hour? My post from yesterday already feels like the hate filled rant of a stranger -.-



Truely... I am fucking mental at the moment.



Ha I actually wish I had one of those memory machines in Eternal Sunshine. I always thought that part of the story was a bit strained... gawd it's awful that it makes sense now of all times -.-
Poke me (ooooo)
Saturday, November 5th, 2011
9:18 pm - Ha
Well... it's an up hill climb but I'm getting back on my feet.


Things with the ex went wrong. I think I know why. She cheated on me... I forgave her. She cheated on me again... and left me :| Is it any wonder I felt fear and anxiety? Any wonder that the flaws I found cute before became irksome and repellant? Fool me twice right?


So at least I can put that to rest now. A part of me wants to storm over to her house and wipe the smug attitude she's been flaunting around lately squarely off her face... after all it's easier to get over someone as the victim right? I'm the asshole that chucked her. But... I can't bring myself to be that much of a prick. Even if she asks I'll just say I was confused.


GOD I'm such a nice guy. Ahem not.


I really wanted it to work though :/ I think that's what drove me to try this thing on again in the first place. I didn't realise love could just drain away like that with out rational thought coming first.


And I want kids. I want a family. 27 is a little long in the tooth. But... to imagine this was my final chance would be both nieve and self defeating. My sexy, awesome girl-mate is out there :)


I've spent the last month going to every party, weekend away and gig. And it's half near killed me. Distraction is one thing but I am very much enjoying sitting reading course books and anime tonight :) And I will likely do it tomorrow too.


What pains me most about all this... my totemism stuff. My spirit animals and all that. Like flicking a switch... it's all stopped. What felt profound and energising and very much my spirituality has became very distant and hard to tune into. I hope this is only temporary... I know my spirituality is slightly bonkers but it was MY spirituality and it served to centre me and get me through the harder times. Now these are the hardest of times my link to all that has been sethered. It's something I would dearly miss... my crazy hippy animal gods :(


God I'm weird.



Aaaaany way. To do:

1) reclaim sanity
2) get happy
3) resume previous level of awesomeness

current mood: hopeful
Poke me (ooooo)
Monday, October 17th, 2011
6:36 pm - Well hello journal yes it's that time again
Stressed out whine time yess!!!



Soooo.... the girl at work became shy and weird. Also apparently started fancying a work mate of mine (though others have said this is not so).

Got back with the ex for a bit... it all felt wrong and fake, ended it, regretted it, asked her back, got rejected. Now feel like shite - grief and no self esteem awesome....


Having spent my whole summer getting myself straight, working out, reading up well and generally being awesome.... why the fuck did I agree to go through this crap?! XD Definitly all knocked me for six.


It'll all be fine in the end... just I've done this already 6 months ago :P I must be a fool.

current mood: weird
Poke me (ooooo)
Sunday, August 21st, 2011
1:33 pm - Hoy
So....




Got over it all - found a happy stressless little place to get on with my work and uni stuff. And now... XXXXD




The ex has put to me that she's up for trying again. And on the verge of having a thing with the girl at work. So... why is this all making me miserable and anxious? :|




Guess you can't facking please me XD I never understood people who wanted to be single... I always thought it was an excuse to use when you hadn't met the right person. Yet I find myself thinking this exact thing :| That singlehood is an attractive, stress free and simple place. So much bullshit comes with being with someone/trying to be with someone and right now I just don't want to even deal with it :S I've semi humoured both offers in my usual need to explore every option... and I found if I've dug myself into a weird place that I can neither resolve nor stop thinking about XD





Erg... this all makes my head hurt -.-
Poke me (ooooo)
Monday, May 30th, 2011
4:35 pm - But...
Contrary to those lyrics, I'm actually quite happy at the moment :3 New house mate Alex has moved in and I've spent alot of the last few days with him. I was worried what it would be like to live with him but so far it's been a joy.


Had a poker night last night :) Lost my money and got drunk off my ass and played lots of Gears Of War co-op. About as good as it gets with your clothes still on :)



Don't want to curse it but things are starting to feel a little lighter...


Oh! AND GAME OF THRONES IS AWESOME!!!!! Although my fav character the midget Lannister was absent from this episode :<
Poke me (ooooo)
4:20 pm
Shame, shame go away,
come again some other day.
Memories keep haunting me.
Help me chase them all away.
Hush, now settle down,
button up, don't make a sound.
Close your eyes, turn around.
Help me burn this to the ground.
Poke me (ooooo)
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